Could It BeThat I’m All Three?

Introvert Shy or Antisocial? I’ve always had a problem with approaching people. I just feel so awkward around people. It takes a lot of courage for me to say hello to a person. I’m not stuck up. I’m just shy, an introvert, antisocial, or maybe all of the above. I think whichever conclusion I choose will point to the origins of my childhood. If you’ve listened to me on The Gigi Nero Show, you’ll know that I spent some time in foster care. Once I found out I didn’t have my biological parents in my life, I felt really sad. 3 or 4 years old is way too young to deal with depression. But I felt rejection & abandonment starting around those ages. I always felt, well damn if my biological parents didn’t want me, who is going to want me? That is the single thought I carried from foster care until now. Nobody wants me. That is such a fucked up way to feel & to think. My low self esteem issues stem from that. Because I look at myself like there must be something with me. My adopted mom didn’t help matters. She made them worst. 95% of my book about Malina Whylie is based on my life. I mentioned in the book how my mom would pull me away from my friends to go to places with her. Joy killer. Yes, she would drag me from our neighbor’s house so I could sit with her & her friends or go shopping. Until this day, I hate shopping. Anyway, each time she did that I felt there was something wrong with me. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have friends. Maybe I wasn’t a good enough person to have friends. You have to understand something about my relationship with my adopted mom. We really didn’t have one. She & I never had the heart to heart talks. I couldn’t go to her with my problems. Maybe it’s because she put so much fear of her & God into me that I felt like I couldn’t talk to her. I went through so much shit as a kid. She doesn’t even know the majority of them. All she knows is that I was involved in fights in school & she beat my ass as a result. If I got bad grades in school, she’d beat the crap out of me with a switch. She was “switch” happy. It was bad enough that I got beat by the kids at school, but, to come home & get a beating from my mom was the worst. I think that’s where the antisocial came into play. I just stopped talking to people. I just showed up where my mom wanted me and just sat quietly until I left with her. Kids would ask me to birthday parties. I would decline. I knew my mom would say no & I figured the kids was just acting nice. I just felt no one liked me or wanted me around them, so, I secluded myself. Hell, I was already being raised as an only child. I felt like my bedroom was my prison. Crazy shit, right? When I had gotten to be a teenager, I tried to do a little better with my social life as in let me get one before I graduate high school. This is where my shyness came into play. Although I was struggling like hell with my sexuality; trying to figure it all out, I wanted to date guys. My mom had other plans. Plans like prohibiting me from dating. She was furious when I gave out her home phone number. Every guy that called the house was a sooner. Yes, a dog. Back then, cell phones weren’t quite where they are now. Plus, I didn’t have one. Anyway, I would give her number to every guy that approached me for a date. I didn’t know shit about dating. What did I know about dating besides knowing I couldn’t date? There were a few guys I was interested in dating in high school. So, I did the next best thing to approaching them. I wrote letters & had my guy friends deliver them. Talk about low confidence. I actually approached a guy. Yes, face to face. I stuttered so badly, I couldn’t get my words out. I normally don’t stutter. I was afraid of rejection. Yeah, but no, I didn’t get the date. Yeah, I was crushed. Oh well, c’est la vie. I think I became an introvert on accident. Or was it that I threw parties over the years & I was the only one who showed up? Allow me to explain. For example, I have thrown Super Bowl parties where I actually invited people. They said they would be there, but, just never showed up. I had food & drinks. People only had to show up. So, yeah, I stopped having parties...well, for people to join me. I just bought food & drinks for myself & enjoyed what was on TV. Dumb shit, right? Where was my mom while all of this was happening? She was a omewhere asking me why I was so antisocial. I mean, you’re kidding me, right? “Why don’t you go out? Why are you so antisocial? You need to mingle with people your age.” All I could do is give her a dry look. Like, Biiiiitch. (And I say that in a comical way.) I shared this piece with you because I really need to get out of this shell I built for myself from childhood. Gah, I’m grown as hell now. Seriously, I’m really crushing on someone hard who I know I cannot have. I don’t think she’s in a relationship. She’ll probably take one look at me & walk away from me. Damn. Yeah, this is what I do. I overthink things, then, talk myself out of approaching people. I guess this explains why I’ve been single for so long. Gah! I need help! LOL Anyway, be safe with COVID-19 spreading like wildfire. Stay home. If you have to leave home, at least wear a mask.